Where Don’t Babies Come From

My youngest has realised something it took me years to understand – kids are basically little shits.

I mean, she didn’t say it in as many words but her meaning was, I think, perfectly clear.

The whole revelation started as she jumped into the car after school this afternoon. Not sure what they’re talking about in the preppy playground this year, but it seems discussions are a little more robust than when Miss4’s four older siblings went through there.

“I don’t want to have a baby when I grow up,” said Miss4, throwing herself back into her car seat.

“Why?” I asked, buckling her in.

“Because they have to cut your belly.”

I was thinking this was as good a reason as I’ve ever heard, and was even about to say as much, when Tracey cut into the conversation. She must have sensed where I was going to go and decided to head me off.

“No, they don’t,” she said from the front seat. Then, I guess because that wasn’t entirely true, she went on. “Not usually. Only in a very few cases. I’ve had five babies and they didn’t have to cut my belly to get any of you out.”

“Well, how did they get out?” our daughter asked, slapping her belly with both hands.

Tracey and I locked eyes. At this point it wasn’t a case of should we tell her or not so much as who could keep a straight face long enough to get the information out.

Sensibly, we went with Tracey. Like a twelve year old boy sitting in his first sex-ed class, I was already giggling.

“They come out your birth hole,” said my wife, making good use of a phrase Miss7 gifted us about a week ago (post: What a Nightmare!).

Which lead to the next obvious question.

“Where’s that?”

Again, arms folded across my chest to try hold the mirth in, I left it to Tracey.

“It’s a hole between your bottom and your wee-wee,” explained Tracey. We have wee-wees, doodles and bottoms or bums in this house.

Now before I give you our daughter’s final response I would like to point out while I admit I have dropped this word a couple of times I have never used it in this, some would say it’s correct, context.

“Ahhhh,” said Miss4, in a tone which conveyed she finally understood. “So they come out your asshole.”

Raising a family on little more than laughs


  • This post is very funny. I have signed onto your blog. I worked with kids as a speech pathologist and then later adults with disabilities for almost 40 yrs. We don’t have our own children and I find I miss their humour so I got a kick out of this. I live in Tasmania, Australia and also have a blog but don’t feel you need to follow it. It’s about books, travel and book collecting. I enjoy your family stories. All the best to them. Pam (travellinpenguin.com)

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