Trouble In The Throne Room


“You’re in a good mood,” I accused my wife this morning.

Given the circumstances, it wasn’t what I’d been expecting.

With Tracey booked to shoot a wedding in the afternoon we’d agreed she could have a sleep-in but it hadn’t gone particularly well.  So when I’d heard Tracey step out of the bedroom I’d expected her to throw me foul looks and threaten to empty my stubbies down the sink. 

Not that I hadn’t been really trying to make it happen for her.

“This better be good,” where the first words I mumbled this morning as I dragged myself out of bed to answer the screams of Miss4.

I arrived at the bathroom just as Miss10 was coming out.

“She’s pee’d on the floor,” she told me.

Turns out when Miss4 had woken up with a bursting bladder she’d raced to the loo only to find Miss10 was already perched on it and, sadly for me, she couldn’t hold it any longer.

I sent Miss10 to round the rest of the kids into the kitchen for breakfast while I cleaned up Miss4 and her mess. I deposited my second youngest at the table and set about making myself a coffee. I was halfway through the mug when I noticed one of the bowls of cereal hadn’t been touched yet. I did a head count.

“Where’s the baby?” I asked, referring to Miss2.

I found her in the bathroom. Clearly it was the place to be this morning.

“No, no, no, no, no,” I muttered in a mournful sort of voice I save for just these sorts of occasions.

Miss2 had removed her nappy and was standing starkers in the middle of the room rubbing shampoo all over her body.

So, for the second time in nearly as many minutes I got to clean up the bathroom and a kid.

After which I realized I rather badly needed to go to the loo myself.

So, naturally, the phone rang. And rang. And rang.

“Can somebody answer that please,” I hissed through the door. Usually the phone rings and it’s like a qualifier episode of Wipeout to see who can get to it first. “Come on guys! Please!!”

Eventually one of the older kids answered the call but I’m not sure which because suddenly my attention was distracted by a clunkerty thump from somewhere in the house which my subconscious was telling me I really should try figure out.

“What was that noise?” I hissed loudly. “Can someone please find out what that noise was!”

I mean, it didn’t sound sinister, like a laptop being pulled off a table, but I had a feeling I should know what it- OH SHIT!!!

I gave up on hissing now. I just yelled. “Someone grab her! The baby! Someone please save your mum!”

Yep, Miss2 had obviously done a head count of her own and worked out Mum was missing in action.

“I’m so sorry,” I said to Tracey a minute later when I met her in the kitchen.

“It’s all good,” said my wife in an unexpectedly cheery tone.

So had she managed to somehow snatch half an hour of extra sleep despite the antics of the household? No, it was nothing as radical as that. The real reason she was in a good mood, I’m pleased to say, was all down to me. As she went on to explain…

“The kids just told me all the fun you’ve been having,” she said as she leant in and planted a kiss on my cheek. “It could have been me.”

Turns out, for once, I got out of the shit by being so firmly in it.

I shouldn’t be surprised really, the bathroom is where I do some of my best work.

Please share with your friends 🙂

When not over here, Bruce hangs out at his Big Family Little Income Facebook Page.

”Raising a family on little more than laughs.”



  • I myself encountered toilet issues yesterday. I have 2 boys, 4 1/2 and nearly 3. The younger one is toilet training and my eldest fully trained. Both of these causing their own dilemas.

    After asking my youngest if he needed to poo for the previous hour I decided I was going to tackle the stale pee smell plaguing my toilet (he has only just started toilet training and still a little reluctantly)

    It seems that since my eldest has not been wearing nappies to be the last 6 months, when he wakes in the middle of the night he obviously can’t see, hence a lack of aim :/

    I have sprayed and sprayed and sprayed the toilet to no avail until I decided to remove the toilet seat. With that done and half cleaned my youngest came to me and removed his jocks – WHICH HAD A GREAT BIG POO IN THEM! – so I get to pause the toilet job to clean him. After that I returned to finish cleaning the toilet and seat and then put it back on – JUST TO HAVE THE TOILET SEAT BOLTS SNAP!.

    My partner also has Crohns disease which means a toilet it mandatory for us even more so, so I had to call him at work and ask him to pop into bunnings on the way home to get some seat screws otherwise we wouldn’t have a toilet seat.

    On the plus side though, my toilet smells fresh again 🙂

    • We job share cleaning the loo – I rarely clean the outside of the toilet because I clean off the skiddies on the inside 🙂 It’s very fair 😉

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