Kicked Out Of My Own Bedroom, Part Two


If Tracey sought to teach me a lesson by making me sleep in with Miss2 last night, while she slept in our bed with Miss5, then mission accomplished. Message received. Aye aye, Captain. Roger wilco.

“How’d you sleep?” she asked me this morning when I dragged myself out of Miss2’s room and into the kitchen in search of caffeine. Strong Caffeine. Preferably with a V chaser.

“I’m exhausted,” I admitted.

“That bad?” Tracey sympathized. “What happened?”

I took a sip of coffee for dramatic effect.

“I was up all night,” I said.  “She just wouldn’t settle. No sooner would I put her back in her bed than she’d be up again demanding things.” I quickly came up with an example. “Like a nappy change.” I shock my head solemnly. “Not a wink of sleep.”

“Sounds dreadful,” said Tracey.

“So long as you had a good night’s sleep, it was all worth it,” I told her. Then I added, in what I hoped was a selfless sort of tone, “In fact, I’ll do it again tonight if you like.”

There was a pause in the conversation at this point.

Probably wondering if I’m well rested enough she should take me into the bedroom right this minute and reward me, I thought hopefully.

Not quite.

“You lying sack of shit,” my sweet wife said to me. “You didn’t so much as raise an eyebrow once your head hit the pillow. You want to know how I know?” She didn’t wait for me to respond, probably because she knew I would have said no. “You were alone in that room from before midnight. I had both the girls in the bed with me, taking turns kicking my kidneys and whacking me in the head. Not only that, but when I sent them in to your room to play when the sun came up this morning so I could finally get some sleep, you didn’t even notice.”

I instantly spotted the flaw in her argument.

“I think I’d notice them,” I assured her.

“I knew you’d think that, so I took a photo,” said Tracey, flipping open her iPhone and showing me a very inconclusive photo.

“I’m not even in it,” I said, having begrudgingly looked at her phone.

“Yes,” she assured me, “you are. You’re under the doona. They were playing on you and you didn’t even wake up.”

So tonight I think the plan is for me to sleep in our bed with the karate kids, Miss2 and Miss5, while Tracey hides in the top bunk of the girls’ room.

Tracey should get some sleep then. Hopefully. Because I’ve noticed she gets all cranky and accusatory when she’s tired.But so long as I follow orders I’m sure I’ll be fine. Time will tell.

Bruce, over and passed out.

Apparently my head’s somewhere underneath the blonde doll at the far end.

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“Raising a family on little more than laughs”

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