I’m Forced To Face Some Facts

I've opted for this one. It's the sexiest.
I’ve opted for this one. I think you’ll agree, it’s the sexiest.

Being hooked up for my third sleep apnea test in as many weeks, I mentioned to the lady applying the dots to my brow how I really hoped it worked this time because I was keen to get started on the proper machine. “And I can’t wait to try one of the masks on. They look like fun.”

“It’ll work,” she assured me. “I’ve been doing this for years and we’ve only had to do the test three times on a handful of occasions.”

It didn’t work.

I’m booked next week to break the local record and take a fourth test. Meanwhile, I’ve hired a sleep apnea machine to get started on reclaiming my sleep and sanity.

First thing I had to do was pick a mask. That was easy.

“I’ll have the Top Gun one,” I said, thinking a little bit of roleplaying might be in order. “Hopefully she’ll see me as a bit of a Maverick type.” The woman looked doubtful.

The fact is, the mask makes me look like a bit of a muppet. I sound like one too, only not a cool one like Rowfl. I’m more the Swedish Chef, in that my voice is so muffled Tracey can’t understand a word I’m saying.

But that’s not her only complaint.

“Every time that machine starts, I wake up,” she told me after the first night. Then after the second night. And the third night.

“Sorry, Trace,” I said. “I’m not doing it on purpose, but you know I need it to get a proper sleep.”

“You have no idea how tempted I was last night to unplug the tube from the machine and fart into it,” she joked. At least, I’m pretty sure she was joking. Hard to tell because she wasn’t smiling.

“I’m told you’ll get used to it,” I lied, and hoped I was right. I’m assuming if she can get used to me snoring, this will be a cinch. “Just remember that on the bright side I’ll have more energy to do things around the house.” Which, by the coy cocking of an eyebrow, I made sure she understood I meant for sex.

She got the message loud and clear.

“I don’t think so,” she said.

“Don’t pretend this Top Gun look doesn’t get you hot,” I said, donning the mask again and assuming a manly stance. “Funkth mfmfick. Ethmanf.”


It really is so difficult to understand what I say in the mask I’ve been working on ways to communicate with it, as you can see below. For now, I removed the mask.

“I said, think Maverick. Iceman.”

From her facial expression I could tell I was genuinely pulling off a brilliant Maverick impersonation. Specifically, I was crashing and burning.

“You wish,” she scoffed.

“Clearly,” I agreed. “Look, I’ll accept Goose but you’re not allowed to giggle.”

“After listening to you breathe through that bloody thing for the last three nights,” said Tracey, “if I had to pick a pilot I’d say you’re most like Darth Vader.”

“I’ll take it.”

In fact, at first I was little thrilled with that – not only does it make me a bad ass who used to be a Jedi but black is slimming.

But then I remembered something which sort of took the shine right off it. Judging by the movies, I’m pretty sure Anakin didn’t get any sex once he became Darth Vader.

To which Tracey responded, “And now we know why.”

Shock! Surprise! ‘Why did you wake me? I’m not your mother.’
Displeasure. Frustration. Distain. Also, ‘Why have you come to this side of the bed? Ask your mother.’
This one is just for Tracey and translates as ‘Sexy-time???’

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“Raising a family on little more than laughs.”


  • Took me a week, but I got used to my hubby’s. Sooooooooooo much better than listening to his snoring and wondering when he was going to breath next.

  • I’m wondering what kind of machine you have that it makes a noise? The old ones used to make a bit of a noise, but the newer ones are practically silent. When I was being fitted for a mask and machine, I went to asked if the lady had turned it on yet. Of course as soon as I tried to talk I realised that the machine was working.

    Don’t make the mistake I did, went the whole night wearing the mask upside down. I had terrible chest pain from accidentally swallowing the air.

    Hope it gives you a good nights sleep.

  • so are they reccomending losing weight, reducing alcohol, or other diet changes? Did they check thyroid production or try a mouth guard?
    friend had one till he lost weight and cut out the alcohol and then no longer required the machine ??

    • That’s probably good advice Tanya however at the moment the fact that Bruce has stayed pretty trim , has held home and hearth together and hasn’t developed a drinking habit is a testimant to his good character and inner strength. I say we give him a bloody big clap.

      • More question than advice 🙂 and yes I think bruce has done very well holding it alk together 🙂 but you get to a point where you have to look after you because if you don’t you fall apart and then the rest of the household is lost – How do I know this ? My dh became a paraplegic after 35 years of marriage. I know firdthand if i dont look after me i cant look after him???☺☺

  • When my hubby went for his sleep test they didn’t let him go more than a couple of hours without the machine. The first night he came home with it I thought he was dead he was so quite. I do sleep with earplugs helps me with the machine noise.

  • My hubby has one and has the whole time we have been together and it took a small amount of time to get use to it but the white noise sound helps me sleep and the no snoring is a bonus (as well as i know he is getting decent sleep). If he is away for work over night I cant sleep as its too quiet.

  • My husband has had a nose one for years – he sleeps better with it, no snoring, no waking (me or him). My biggest issue is that when he sleeps facing me it blows cold air on me which is not as cold as it sounds. Not as sexy as you may think though

    • My husband was a Product Magager for a company that makes CPAP machines and masks. He used to bring them home to test them. After having cold air blown down my back for a few nights he’s lucky he’s still my husband…….

  • Just in time for World Sleep Day, March 18. I have one of the Fisher & Pykel machines and it is very quiet. It took a while to get used to sleeping with it, to be honest I am still trying to stop sleeping on the stomach as it knocks the rubber cushion off (nasel mask).

    I have a tshirt with pockets at the front which I put balls in. Makes for a very sexy look when I go to bed.

    If you tend to turn & toss in bed, put it on a board/box next to the bed, you will spend more for the dust filters, but they cost a lot less than replacing the unit after you have pulled it off your side table because the tubes didn’t detach as they should have.

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