Being hooked up for my third sleep apnea test in as many weeks, I mentioned to the lady applying the dots to my brow how I really hoped it worked this time because I was keen to get started on the proper machine. “And I can’t wait to try one of the masks on. They look like fun.”
“It’ll work,” she assured me. “I’ve been doing this for years and we’ve only had to do the test three times on a handful of occasions.”
It didn’t work.
I’m booked next week to break the local record and take a fourth test. Meanwhile, I’ve hired a sleep apnea machine to get started on reclaiming my sleep and sanity.
First thing I had to do was pick a mask. That was easy.
“I’ll have the Top Gun one,” I said, thinking a little bit of roleplaying might be in order. “Hopefully she’ll see me as a bit of a Maverick type.” The woman looked doubtful.
The fact is, the mask makes me look like a bit of a muppet. I sound like one too, only not a cool one like Rowfl. I’m more the Swedish Chef, in that my voice is so muffled Tracey can’t understand a word I’m saying.
But that’s not her only complaint.
“Every time that machine starts, I wake up,” she told me after the first night. Then after the second night. And the third night.
“Sorry, Trace,” I said. “I’m not doing it on purpose, but you know I need it to get a proper sleep.”
“You have no idea how tempted I was last night to unplug the tube from the machine and fart into it,” she joked. At least, I’m pretty sure she was joking. Hard to tell because she wasn’t smiling.
“I’m told you’ll get used to it,” I lied, and hoped I was right. I’m assuming if she can get used to me snoring, this will be a cinch. “Just remember that on the bright side I’ll have more energy to do things around the house.” Which, by the coy cocking of an eyebrow, I made sure she understood I meant for sex.
She got the message loud and clear.
“I don’t think so,” she said.
“Don’t pretend this Top Gun look doesn’t get you hot,” I said, donning the mask again and assuming a manly stance. “Funkth mfmfick. Ethmanf.”
It really is so difficult to understand what I say in the mask I’ve been working on ways to communicate with it, as you can see below. For now, I removed the mask.
“I said, think Maverick. Iceman.”
From her facial expression I could tell I was genuinely pulling off a brilliant Maverick impersonation. Specifically, I was crashing and burning.
“You wish,” she scoffed.
“Clearly,” I agreed. “Look, I’ll accept Goose but you’re not allowed to giggle.”
“After listening to you breathe through that bloody thing for the last three nights,” said Tracey, “if I had to pick a pilot I’d say you’re most like Darth Vader.”
“I’ll take it.”
In fact, at first I was little thrilled with that – not only does it make me a bad ass who used to be a Jedi but black is slimming.
But then I remembered something which sort of took the shine right off it. Judging by the movies, I’m pretty sure Anakin didn’t get any sex once he became Darth Vader.
To which Tracey responded, “And now we know why.”
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“Raising a family on little more than laughs.”