I have a confession to make: my name is Bruce and I have an issue with earwax.
I love the stuff. Love it. So much. My spirit animal is an ogre because I’d love to be able to produce enough to make an earwax candle.
I’m at the point where if I suddenly remember I haven’t gone digging around in my ear canal for a few days I pretty much skip to the medicine cabinet.
I would happily dig an earbud into my ear every day except I know I will get a far more satisfying result the longer I can put it off.
I would also LOVE to show you some before and after photos comparing the ear bud to this product, but that would be, according to every one I’ve asked, disgusting. Further enquiries also vetoed the idea of describing the stuff in any detail including, but not limited to, the depth of colour. In fact, when I read this passage to Tracey her exact words were, “I want to throw up just thinking about what you just said.”
This from a woman I’ve watched singing while she’s cleaned baby poo and baby snot out of her own hair.
Tracey has also driven her mother truck up one side of me and down the other when she’s caught me teaching our kids what I see as important life lessons, like the satisfaction which comes from squeezing a zit and tickling the wax away from your eardrum.
She seems to think both these things can make matters worse, especially where the eardrum is concerned.
Not that I’ve ever listened to that: something which is made easier these days because my hearing is definitely and totes unrelatedly starting to fail.
But while I’ve pretty much spent twenty-three years ignoring her protests, a recent visit to my Ear, Nose & Throat specialist to get something nasty, although ultimately harmless, removed from near my vocal cord has opened me up to the idea she might have been on to something.
After impressing my specialist by agreeing to everything he suggested he made a joke about wishing all his clients were as quick to acquiesce and how he might have a look around while I’m under to find something else to book me in for, so I told him I occasionally get itchy ears and asked if there was anything he could do for that – because I’m nothing if not helpful. Plus he was a really nice bloke and I thought an excuse for another chat down the road would be fun.
He sighed heavily.
“You know how every job has that one thing they get sick of dealing with?” he asked me. I did. When I was in the bank it was international drafts. Even typing that line made me moody. “That’s itchy ears for me.”
We didn’t pursue it.
But I did do some Googling when I got home.
Turns out I’m pretty sure I’m the reason I have itchy ears. Over-cleaning by shoving stuff an inch into your head is, apparently, responsible for about half the cases, and I polish the insides of my ear canal to a marble finish.
It seemed I would need an alternative.
Which, as luck would have it, was when I received an email from Audiclean asking if I’d consider working with them by checking out their ear wax remover product. I mean there was something for swimmers ear as well, and an ear cleansing wash, but those words weren’t nearly as exciting.
I eagerly agreed.
The sample box of their products arrived last week after which I forced myself to go a while without jamming anything inside my skull. Finally, yesterday, I felt it was time. I opened the little boxes, read a few lines of instructions and dived in.
I’m not sure if this is the sort of review the audiclean people were hoping for but it was hilarious.
First I squeezed the ‘ear wax remover’ into my tilted head and momentarily felt like I was listening to everything while underwater, including some requests from the kids for some stuff which I happily pretended I couldn’t hear and indicated through the art of mime they should ask their Mum about. Half an hour later removing the bit of cotton wool (or whatever you ladies call the thing Tracey removes her makeup with) from my ears and got to the bit I was surprised to find I really loved about this experience.
Yep, even more than not answering the kids’ monotonous requests for passwords on their iPads.
The bit where I got to use the Audiclean ear cleansing wash.
I cannot oversell these two products. They essentially soften and remove excess earwax without any harsh solvents, instead using naturally sourced ingredients which – and this I found surprisingly true – leave your ears feeling refreshed.
But that’s not the fun bit.
I started giggling from the moment I pumped the cleansing wash into my ear because the first time was an odd thing to do. My chuckles attracted Tracey as next thing she was laughing too because I hadn’t thought to put a towel around my head so lines of ever so slightly whitish liquid (the product, not ear gunk) was running down my neck and onto my shirt.
“It all looks a little Something About Mary,” she said.
And then, of course, because we were literally wetting ourselves, the room was full of kids and everyone wanted a go.
It was a fun family night.
And now, following this success and with our pool nearly ready to be filled and enjoyed, I’m keen as ever to try audiclean’s swimmer’s ear product they sent us. You can usually tell when I’ve been swimming because I walk around for half an hour afterwards alternatively slapping myself upside the head or looking like a high school plastic sarcastically voicing my contempt for everyone around me by uttering things like, “Yaah, right? Whateva?”
Meaning, it’s a problem for me and I want to see if this is the solution. Going by the success of their ear wax remover and ear cleansing wash, I suspect it might be.
And now, after all that, I’ve got another confession to make: I think this stuff is funner to use than an earbud, only in a much wetter and giggly way. Plus, and this is something Tracey is especially happy about, not a single ear drum gets damaged in the process.
Raising a family on little more than laughs
big thank you to Audiclean for reaching out to us and sponsoring this post – especially from my wife
I simply use a bobby pin. It’s scoops beautifully.