Crappy Rewards For Children

“Where’d she get chocolate?” I stammered when Miss3 came running up to me with her face and hands covered in it.

My wife was a couple of steps behind her.

“She poo’d,” Tracey said meaningfully.

Well, that changed everything.

“Isn’t that wonderful,” I cooed, raising a hand and high-fiving my daughter. But then noticing brown stuff all over her hands – and now mine.

“She’s poo’d you say?”

“It’s okay,” said Tracey. “It is chocolate.”

“Oooo, reward chocolate,” I grinned at Miss3, raising my fingers to my lips in an over acted display of eagerness to get my hands on this lovely treat.

Hey, to anyone who is having trouble toilet training their kid I’d firstly suggest some amateur acting lessons. You’ve really got to be able to sell how great stopping what you’re doing to dump a poo in the loo is compared to just continuing to get horsie rides from grandad while pushing it out into your undies and letting someone else deal with the cleanup.

Justas I closed my mouth around a particularly sticky brown globule, Tracey added, “Well, I think so. Does it taste like chocolate?”

We’re adopted the barter system as a method of getting our youngest daughter to hit that next magic ‘no nappies’ milestone – in her case we’re thrilled to be able to trade a poo in the loo for chocolate.

This, along with some other encouragements such as praising her, which has clearly had and effect because she’s taken to bursting in on me when I’m going to the loo and applauding.

“Good work, Daddy!” she says. “Good boy.”

In fact, the whole family has gotten behind seeing our youngest toilet trained, praising her and letting us know when she goes so she can get her reward.

“Dad! Dad! Dad!” screamed Master9 from the bathroom this morning. “Come here. Quick!”

I raced in, worried. As you do.

“Look!” he said, pointing into the toilet bowl.

I looked. It was all a bit wet paper and poo in there.

“What’s wrong?” I asked him. Was there blood? Coins? What? “What am I looking at?’

“Nothing’s wrong,” he told me, flushing it all away and grinning.

Then the penny dropped.

“Was that your little sister’s?”

“Naw,” he said. “It was mine. I just wanted to show you so I can get a lolly too.”

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“Raising a family on little more than laughs”