Is it just me, or do other husbands try to sneak things past their wives?
I’m not talking about mistresses or motorbikes (you know who you are), just little niceties which maybe do or don’t fit into the prescribed budget the missus made you agree to, to our mind in exchange for unspecified sexual favours.
I’m talking, in my case, about Kickstarter.
“What have you bought on Kickstarter?” Tracey asked me the other night. She was going through our accounts looking for ways to save a bit of money while we’re down to one very irregular and often fickle income.
“Ummm,” I said, to buy myself some time. I knew what she was talking about, but not what she was talking about, if you get what I mean. You will in a minute. In the meantime, I went for a broad stoke answer because as all husbands know, you don’t want to lie outright when you’re sprung. “That was a game I liked the look of. For the kids.”
I got into Kickstarter while Tracey was in hospital, so I’m running with the idea it’s not my fault. When you’re sitting around having one-sided conversations you get a bit desperate for distractions.
And if you haven’t heard of sites like Kickstarter and Indiegogo, they’re basically a Dragons Den for us common folk to crowdfund ideas. It’s amazing the ideas out there. Not just games, but wonderfully creative stuff like movies or documentaries, sheets made of silver which fight bacteria and 3D printers. Also, be grateful and stay away. Initially, I had absolutely no intention of ever EVER throwing money behind something. Six months later….
“Is it for a birthday then?” Tracey wanted to know.
I thought about this. If it was the game I was thinking it was then probably not. I said as much to my wife, without referencing the ‘if it was the game I was thinking it was’ bit because that would sort of give away the fact that-
“Jeesus! Bruce! What the hell have you been buying on Kickstarter!”
Turns out online banking allows you to do a word search in your account.
“They’re just games,” I assured her while staying out of striking distance. “For the kids.”
“We’ve still only had seven, yeah?”
“The thing is,” I said slowly, so my brain might have a shot at working out something to come after this brilliant start of a sentence, “you don’t know, when you back a project you can’t know it’s going to get funded. Most don’t.”
Although all mine had, for the simple reason I usually only back them once they’re fully funded. I left that bit out too.
I squirmed my way out of a further verbal assault by promising to consult her on any further purchases.
And almost immediately made a liar of myself. Seriously, if I was a kid I’d be in the naughty corner for 49 minutes.
So worth it.
“What are you watching?” Master24 asked me in the kitchen this morning.
“Documentaries,” I told him. “This one’s on human evolution and migration and how we’ve got neanderthal DNA in us.”
“Is that the one we started watching in bed last night?” Tracey called out from our room.
The way ‘we’ usually watch something is for me to put it on my laptop or phone and for Tracey to roll her eyes or scoff and then gradually get interested.
“Sure is,” I called back, registering that she obviously heard that.
“Well, don’t watch it without me!”
I can’t begin to tell you how satisfying that sort of reaction is. And not without an element of ‘back at you’. I can’t begin to tell you how many photo editing videos I’ve sat through which I still don’t understand.
“Is it Youtube?” Master24 wanted to know.
“No,” I said hesitantly. I looked over my shoulder towards our room before turning back to him and whispering, “It’s Curiosity Stream.” He wanted to know what that was. Damn him. “It’s a site with lots of documentaries. You pay $3 a month and-”
“Are you telling me we’re paying for that!” said Tracey, stomping out of our room.
I don’t know why but I gave Master24 a ‘save yourself’ look before I turned to face her. I should have given him the ‘save me’ one instead.
“It’s for the kids,” I assured my wife. It’s not.
I like to think there was once a neanderthal man getting bored out by his wife for exchanging a dinosaur egg or a pretty rock he thought might be nice to throw around with his kids. We haven’t really evolved that much in 200,000 years. Where possible we try to blame the kids.
“Documentaries? Our kids?”
She’s right of course. Miss4, by way of example, wouldn’t be interested in documentaries unless they’re on flying unicorns or mermaids. I tried again.
I tried again.
“It’s only three dollars.” Even as the words came out of my mouth it occurred to me mentioning money, even small change, might not be a good angle to take here. Plus, I left out the bit where that was American dollars, which seem to be a better investment than gold at the moment. Third times a charm? “And the first months free!” I blurted.
This gave her pause. I thought about using it to make a run for it.
“So you can cancel it?” she asked me.
“Of course,” I told her.
And even though she retreated to our bedroom again to continue sorting the washing, I think we both know I won’t.
So now I’m assuming budget related sex is off the table for a bit.
Which is great.
It’ll give me and the kids somewhere to play all these board and card games I’ve got coming with the kids.
“Raising a family on little more than laughs”
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