The Art Of Crappy Letter Writing

My daughter, Miss4, handed me a note.

It read: ‘I’m butfull and you’re hot.’ I frowned. I was totally on-board with the last part of the note, but the first bit confused me. “You’re full of but? You mean like bum? You’re full of poo?”

This wasn’t the first note I’d received today. It all started when I laughed because she handed me a note which said, ‘hello grumpy’. I’d snapped at a couple of her older siblings for not making their beds and she didn’t like it. As a result of my chuckle, Miss4 had now been bringing me in notes like, ‘to silly bumhole,’ and ‘hello poopy,’ for nearly an hour.

In fact, I think she’d covered every possible configuration of bottom related words.

When it all started I was pre-caffeine, but after I’d downed my first cup and my brain kicked in I was amazed at Miss4’s accomplishment in being able to write these ‘love’ letters. Then reality bitch-slapped me and I saw, of course, it was Miss6’s writing. Which opened up another can of worms. At that point I began working on my speech to Miss6 about putting Miss4 in the firing line by getting her little sister to bring me the notes.

But as I walked into our kitchen area I overheard a conversation between the two girls.

“No,” said Miss6, who was sitting at the dining table colouring in, “I don’t want to do any more. I’m busy.”

“One more,” urged Miss4. “You write, ‘dear dumb bum daddy. I smell pretty and you do not.”

“Okay,” said Miss6, giggling. “That’s a good one. But this is the last one.”

It wasn’t. It was the fifth of about thirty. Plus, the note I received a few minutes later actually read, “I smell pridy and you do not.” But it was easily deciphered.

Unlike my butfull note, which I’d apparently stuffed right up.

“It doesn’t say I’m butt full and you’re hot, Daddy,” said Miss4, suddenly very serious. “You’re being silly. It says I’m beautiful,” she said, pointing to herself, “and-“

“-and I’m HOT!” I finished for her. I beamed in her direction. “That’s okay. I still like this note. It’s still my favourite.”

“No” she told me. “Listen, Daddy. I’m beautiful and you are not. Not, Daddy.” She was adamant. 

And despite being the butt of her little joke today, I do actually think it’s a very hard point to argue.

Plus, it’s good practice for school. If she’s ever going to pass notes in class, these are just the sorts of things I want her writing to put the boys off.

  🙂 please share 🙂

“Raising a family on little more than laughs.”