I can’t believe I could have been so stupid.
How stupid? Let’s just say sex is off the table.
“I bought you a present,” I told Tracey on Mothers Day.
She couldn’t believe I’d been so stupid either. And she hadn’t got to the really dumb bit yet.
I usually don’t buy presents for my wife. Not because I don’t love her and want to make her happy, but because I’d rather she buys something she really wants and makes herself happy.
To give you an idea how bad am I at buying her presents, I once bought my lovely wife a Dorothy Barbie because a lyric from the movie The Wizard of Oz reminded me of her. Unfortunately the line was ‘if I only had a brain’. I thought it was funny. She decided she’d buy her own presents from then on.
“Here’s your present, Mum,” the kids squealed excitedly.
“What is it?” Tracey asked them. She may as well have asked them the colour of clapping – they didn’t know. This was a surprise to everyone except me – possibly because only the night before I’d happened past someone carrying the damn thing out of the local BIGW and decided I should buy one for Tracey.
Tracey pulled the package out of the bag.
Everyone leaned in.
“I love it!” Tracey exclaimed.
“What is it?” asked Miss8.
With so many children potentially peeing in our bed these last eleven years, we’ve not had one of these before. But now Miss3 seems to be working out how to use the loo I decided, in a moment of sleep or caffeine deficiency, it was time to treat my wife, who hates our cold home, to the holy grail of appliances for warm winter nights – an electric blanket.
How could I have been so short sighted?
How much more shortsighted am I destined to become?
You see historically I’ve enjoyed winter because I become an appliance. If it’s a particularly cold night my wife plugs me in and we’re both suddenly warm and rather pleased with the world.
Only now she doesn’t have to.
Going forward, I am never buying my wife a present again. I simply can’t be trusted.
“Raising a family on little more than laughs”
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