Here’s Why I Think My Wife Would Make A Great Lawyer

I’m in trouble.

“Bruce!” Tracey wailed this afternoon when she discovered grass all through the house. Worse, she’d just swept and moped and guests were due to arrive any minute. “This is all your fault.”

I couldn’t see it at first, but having heard the evidence I now have to confess I think she’s right.

This afternoon, to battle the heat, Tracey pulled out of the cupboard a box containing a slip and slide. I didn’t even know we had one.

So this wasn’t my fault.

The kids raced down it for an hour, getting soaking wet and cooling down nicely. When they were done I took each inside and showered them down while Tracey guarded the entrance to the house so I only had one to deal with at a time.

This contained the mess and obviously, as I was acting under Tracey’s instructions, I am blameless.

The slip and slide, for all the fun it had given our children, was abandoned at this point. The hoses were disconnected and, although it was still full of water, it was left where it was: the idea to get everyone ready and then sort it out.

I had nothing to do with this decision. I was, at this point, simply following orders.

So not my fault.

But then…

…an hour after the slip and slide fun, for whatever strange reasons which tickle the fancy of developing brains, Miss2 decided to duck down the back yard, grab the slip and slide and drag through the house – a little water being ejected with every tug, and leaving enough grass on our floorboards to feed a hungry goat.

Clearly, I am blameless.

Wrong.

“How is this my fault?” I asked my wife. I was laughing. A clear conscience will do that. “You pulled out the slide. You set it up. You supervised them.” Even as I said it I realized I was giving Tracey huge parenting points – I mean, what the hell was I doing this afternoon – but I stuck with it because winning is important. “When I was showering the kids, you stayed outside with the others. So you didn’t pack up the slide. Have I missed anything?”

“Yeah,” said Tracey, unperturbed, “you told the guy who cut the lawn last week not to worry about a catcher so that’s why there’s grass all over the house when people are due to start arriving any minute.”

Guilty. Like I said.

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“Raising a family on little more than laughs”