Sex, sex, sex, sex – it’s my favourite four letter word.
I sent word out recently to my readers to provide me with some ideas on what I might write about. Specifically, along the lines of the ‘ten things’ I enjoy writing so much.
I think someone was being a smarty pants when they suggested ten things you’d use your hammer & other tools for – if you could find them. Still, there’s no doubt they’ve been reading my blogs. Ten annoying things getting all the kids in the car also showed signs of a regular. There there was ten ways to have a sneaky nap which gave me a great idea…and after I woke up I decided to try this sex one instead.
After all, I’ve spent much of my married life working my way around this minefield of kids, sleep deprivation and absolutely no sign of any inclination from the missus.
1. Show Up
I’d love to be able to tell you it’s that easy, but you’re the bloke and she’s the sheila. So show up with something noice in your hands, like flowers or chocolate or massage vouchers. Just don’t overdo it and come in with the full trifecta, because you don’t want her thinking you’ve done something wrong.
I kid you not, this works. And I don’t mean take the rubbish out. That’s just your job. The good news is there’s a lot of flirty jobs around the house to choose from – washing, folding, ironing, vacuuming, sweeping, moping, dusting the fans, cleaning the loo, scrubbing the shower or bath, defrosting the freezer, doing the dishes. Or better yet, pick two. Some go together like salt & pepper. You could, by way of example, cook dinner and then do the dishes. I’m such a hunk of spunk I’ve even bought my own apron so my wife knows when I’m deliberately being sexy. I don’t want to give too many bedroom secrets away, but I think it’s fair to say tea towels are now an integral part of our pre-sex foreplay routine.
3. Sign Language
You must learn to read the signs. For example, a bad sign is when she goes to the shops in her PJs. Or, if she’s been standing at the kitchen bench staring into the middle distance and stirring her tea for fifteen minutes. Or, if you come home from work and she’s in the same position you left her in the morning. Let’s be clear – the idea of sex will not cheer her up. The poor woman is dead tired. Tell her to go to bed and don’t try follow her. Instead, do the stuff she would normally do if she had an ounce of giveashitness left in her body. The sex will follow once she gets her brain back and realizes what you’ve done.
4. Making Up
Remember, pre-children, how you’d have a little spat over something innocuous, such as which fridge shelf the butter should sit on, and then you’d kiss and spend fifteen minutes making up and reconnecting between the sheets? Those days are gone. The butter goes wherever the hell she wants. Also, the only makeup sex you have now is when she decides you’ve suffered long enough. My advice is to make sure she knows you’re suffering. It’s no fun for her otherwise.
5. The Mankini
Not because you look good in it. Let’s be clear, no one looks sexy in a mankini. But, when she says ‘take that bloody stupid thing off’ you get to cheekily say ‘okay’. And being naked and having her smile at your little joke can only help move matters forward. Of course, if you’re naked and she’s really laughing at you that might also be a bad thing….
My wife has made it clear that when I say morning sex, she hears mourning sex. As in she’ll kill me if I come anywhere near her. Remember, just because you’re up doesn’t mean she’s up to it. Not hitting her up at every single opportunity is actually just as important as hitting her up at the right opportunity. It’s complex, I know, but you’ll get there.
Sometimes it’s just a matter of getting her in the mood, and nothing works better than a night away from the stress of the kids, watching a romantic or stud-filled movie with someone she loves to spend time with. Not you, you idiot. You’ll be looking after the kids and making sure the little buggers are asleep by the time she comes home. Organize for a friend to take her to see one of those Magic Mike flicks and she’ll come home in a fantastic mood. Tip: you’ll probably want to make sure you turn out the lights. No reason.
The trick here is to let her buy whatever she wants. Nay, to encourage her to buy stuff she wants. A mixture of euphoria and shopper’s guilt will take care of everything else. Well not the credit card bill, obviously.
9. Join In
If your partner wasn’t ‘with you’ when the lights dimmed and the curtains opened, don’t expect her to be there for the finale. Too subtle? Listen, I’m just going to say it – lying next to your wife flogging yourself in the hope she’ll join in isn’t a turn on. I know, right! I mean, if your wife was lying beside you flicking the bean you’d be there for her, yeah? With bells on! But this is one of those Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus things. To summarize, choking the chicken really isn’t as big a turn on as you want to believe. And let’s agree we don’t want to turn her off you completely, so maybe wait until she’s in the shower.
When all else fails get down on your knees. If you’re lucky it’ll remind her of when you asked for her hand in marriage and then gave her a big ass bit of bling she could flash at her friends to make them jealous. Happy days.