This list is in no way a complaint. Any chance I have of enjoying sex in the near future depends on me making that point perfectly clear.
Whether or not my wonderful wife wants to swap spit and other bodily fluids with me is entirely her decision. The amusing part is the lengths she’ll go to so she doesn’t have to actually say, “No”.
Maybe you do some of these yourself? Or maybe your husband will come looking for me sometime soon.
1. Headache
The classic. Rarely used around here. Who knows, maybe it’s legit? Either way it means stay away.
2. Love Isn’t In The Air
When I’m dry humping my darling’s thigh and she passes wind. Yep.
3. We Aren’t Alone
“I’m feeling amorous,” I’ll tell my wife as bedtime looms. I like to think the use of this fancy word for horny helps to set the mood. And sometimes it does. But other times I’ll arrive at our bedroom to find there’s one of our munchkins lying next to her. “They woke up and I said they could sleep with us tonight.” Did you just.
4. Dancing Around The Topic
Tracey has this thing where she sticks her arms down either side of her pants and does a jig. It isn’t a good look. The Fat Dance, as she calls it, gets me in the mood…for closing my eyes.
5. Deep Sleep
You can tell when someone is pretending to be asleep. At least, I can. For a start she isn’t snoring – not even a little.
6. Premeditated
“I’m soooo tired,” she’ll happen to mention, just as we’re about to jump into bed. What she’s saying is, “I’m soooo not going to have sex with you tonight.” Message received and reluctantly understood.
7. Too Drunk
This one is a-okay because if Tracey is then the odds are strongly in favour of me being too. The one which would really sting would be if she said, “I’m not drunk enough.”
8. Shifting Blame
“You look so tired,” Tracey will say to me as we head for the bedroom. “You really need a good night’s sleep. But promise me we can make love tomorrow night.” Sometimes it feels like tomorrow never comes.
9. Any Second Now
“You go to bed. I’ll join you in a minute,” Tracey will say. So I’ll jump into bed and wait…and wait…..and *yawn wait…and zzzzz…
10. The Parent Trap
This one is the worst. I’ll sidle over to my wife’s side of the bed. “Do you think your parents still do it?” she’ll ask. I’ll reach over and put a hand on something soft and wonderful. “What positions do you think they prefer?” Still ignoring her and hoping for the best, I’ll kiss her neck. “Do you reckon they use sex toys?”
We’re done here.
