1: She’s hangry. Not your fault. Order pizza before it is. Pick up, not delivery. It’ll get you out of the house.
2: Your kids all suffer from the same speech impediment. Specifically, they can’t seem to say Dad and she’s noticed you seem to think this is funny.
3: Your kids are giving her the shits. Her kids are sweethearts. Round up your kids and put a movie on. You’ll be expected to sit with them to make sure they behave. Hopefully her kids will show up before the final credits roll.
4: You suck at watching your kids. No, you don’t get a few points because they were sitting right beside you when the movie started. Yes, you’re expected to notice when they leave. No, you can’t finish watching the movie before you stop them annoying their mother while she cooks dinner. Yes, adulting is hard.
5: You’re still talking. It’s always tough when she’s heard all your stories. Even when you keep changing little details to make yourself sound even funnier. Let’s be clear, you could get Jos Whedon to co-write your material at this point in your relationship and she’s not going to change her facial expression.
6: You ate dinner for a snack. Maybe it was the leftovers, or maybe it was the cheese. Whatever it was, you better order pizza. Pizza fixes everything. Well, almost…
7: Her hair isn’t sitting right. A worst case scenario because there’s nothing much you can do because even leftover pizza will not help. Best bet is to distract her or make her laugh. Try stubbing your toe, but make sure it really hurts you a lot so she thinks it’s hilarious – it’s your only chance.
8: You promised you’d help. It’s been years and she’s starting to think you’ve forgotten.
9: You keep insulting her. Like for years I apparently only said ‘you look pretty’ when Tracey didn’t have her glasses on, which somehow meant I didn’t think she was pretty when she wore them. Nowadays, because I’m a sweetheart, I try to remember to compliment her no matter how bad she looks.
10: It’s that time of the month. By which I mean, bills. Obviously. You probably have some explaining to do. Like why did you spend so much money on pizza?
Raising a family on little more than laughs
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